The winter holidays are just around the corner and for many families that means the first extended visit home from students who are living on a college campus. Families and students are usually full of excitement for this first significant break from school but that excitement can wane pretty quickly if a plan isn’t in place for how to handle some key issues that will most likely crop up.
Even though they been gone a relatively short time, students have settled into their own daily habits that may or may not mesh with the way they lived at home the last eighteen years. Dorm life, roommates, social activities, and their first encounter doing things their own way, all day, every day may cause some conflict with the living style families are accustomed to.
This parent said it best: “My son went away to school and his lifestyle completely changed from picking up after himself and basic hygiene practices to the hours he keeps. Living with a group of eight young men for just three months turned him from a pretty tidy guy into someone who acts like he has never seen a clothes hamper, washing machine, or dishwasher before. Unfortunately, when he comes home our lifestyle at home has remained the same so it is a battle to get him to reacclimate to the way we run our house.” Mother of a college freshman
Another parent told his daughter: “We love to see you arrive and we are thrilled to see you leave.” Father of a college sophomore.
No one doubts that as parents we love our kids and we do want to spend time with them after they have been away from home no matter what that length of time was. Setting up some ground rules before students arrive home can help families actually enjoy the majority of their visit without anyone wanting to end the visit early.
Tip # 1 Let visiting students know what your expectations are.
Is it important to you that they make their bed each day, place all their clothes in a hamper, bus their own dishes, and wash the bedding before they leave? Pick the top issues that as a parent will drive you crazy and let them know that while they are home these are non-negotiables you want to see happen. Maybe they have siblings at home and they need to continue to model good behavior for them. Relatives may be visiting and you want to keep a tidy home for your guests. Whatever it may be, letting them know your expectations up front can help ease the students into their visit before they create chaos that leads to an uncomfortable encounter.
Tip # 2 Realize they are now young adults and some things may have to change.
We want our kids to acclimate back into our lives but we also may need to make some slight adjustments to allow them to be comfortable in their own home and continue to grow as young adults. If they had an 11:00 pm curfew through high school and then lived on campus with no curfew and no one to report their whereabouts to, you can see where this may end up being a problem that first night home. Sure, you can tell them to be home at 11:00 each night and tell you where they will be, who they will be with, and call if any plans change but this most likely will land like a lead balloon. Does that mean you need to stay up all night wondering where they are and when they will straggle in? No. You can ask them to give you the same respect they show their roommates and let you know where they are going and what time they expect to be home. You aren’t telling them they can’t go here or there and you aren’t telling them you have to be home at a certain time. You are just asking them to give you the basic information they would share with anyone they are living with so if they go missing you know where they were last supposed to be and when they were supposed to be home. If you get pushback, like “why do I have to tell you where I am going when I am out all the time at school,” this parent had the perfect answer. “If I see you I worry about you, if I don’t see you and I don’t know what you are doing then I can’t worry. If you are where I can see you, I need a few basic details so I can sleep at night.” If they are sharing a room with younger siblings who are still in school or in activities where they need their sleep, students may need to make other sleeping arrangements of their own if they will be out late like sleeping over at a friend’s house they are hanging out with or sleeping on a coach or in a guest room so they don’t disturb them. It can be a tough transition from all-nighters on campus to a quiet home in the suburbs, but if basic respect is given to both parties and boundaries are in place early it can mean no sleepless nights for mom and dad.
Tip # 3 Do not make plans for your visiting students without talking to them first.
If you have certain traditions each year like visiting the grandparents on New Year’s Eve and then a brunch with all of relatives on New Year’s Day followed by a family football game that same afternoon, go ahead and make your usual plans but do not automatically assume that your son or daughter will be attending all of these functions with you. What? Why are they coming home at all if they aren’t going to be spending time with the family? Excellent question. Students are home to rest, relax, and recharge before they head back to campus. In their mind, they have been ‘working’ hard and need a break. They may want to sleep until lunch, stay out late visiting old friends, and maybe even visit a new or old romantic partner’s family over the break. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with their family, they just may not want to spend all of their free time with their family. This can really burst the bubble for parents who cannot imagine spending a key family moment together. This is the beginning of a new reality for many families and it can be hard to work through initially. Let your students know when you are making travel arrangements what the planned family activities are and invite them to attend all of them, but like any good visitor coming into town, they should also let you know what they will or won’t be attending so you can make plans for the rest of the family accordingly. Choose one key event that means a lot to your family and see if they will commit to that one so you know you have one family function to attend together. If they end up being free to attend more because their other plans fizzled out, that is a bonus for the family, but if not, at least you were not planning on their attendance and only finding out at the last minute that they were not going with you.
Tip # 4 Don’t make them feel guilty if they want to take a trip with their new college friends over the break instead of making the trip home.
It will happen at some point to every parent. You are talking to your student about the next upcoming holiday or school break and they spring it on you: “I already made plans to go camping with my sorority sisters over the break” or “My roommate’s dad offered to let us all stay at his family’s mountain cabin over the holidays and they are expecting a lot of snow and they have all the cool snow toys and I already told him I was coming…” Even though you will probably be choking back the tears, try very hard to say how fun that sounds and you will miss them but look forward to them sending you lots of pictures of their outing. Making connections and friends in college who have similar interests and tastes is not easy. If your student has found their village on campus that is making their college experience more enjoyable and they want to socialize with them outside of class that is actually a good sign. These relationships are the ones that can make or break your student’s day-to-day life on campus, so encouraging them to build strong bonds with their peers is healthy and positive. As a parent, it can be devastating the first couple of times students choose to not spend their free time with their family but know that the relationships they are building outside of their family circle can become friendships that last their entire lives.
Every visit gets a little easier for both families and students so if this first visit home doesn’t go as smoothly as you hoped, don’t anticipate that every visit will be the same. Make small steps each visit getting to know your new young adult, set realistic expectations, and learn to respect each other’s new role in this new adventure together.
